What If I Mislabeled The Package!?

What if…

… my hearts desire, my soulmate, my purpose, was present in my life all this time but I mislabeled the package?

I know for a fact that I’ve mislabeled packages. I made men that were supposed to be acquaintances into boyfriends. I thought that seasonal friendships would last lifetimes. I thought jobs were careers. I thought houses were homes.

I thought… I thought… I thought…

Have you ever been in a store looking for a shirt in your size by sliding the hangers on the rack that have the size tags on them? Only to realize that you went through that rack and the Large shirt was on a Small hanger.

I hope you get the idea now.

Something in the past two weeks happened, “I heard the words with my ears, but I listened with my heart.” I was clear that I mislabeled a package. I started to beat myself up and wonder, “What if?”

Bottom Line is … packages get mislabeled. When you realize it, try to correct it.

Shoot Your Shot.

I am a firm believer in what’s meant for you will always find you… even if it sucker punches you.

God Needed Them More

This morning, like most, I woke up and intentionally spent time with God. I love these mornings because He speaks and I listen. He gives me direction and strategy. I’m content in His presence and ready to start my day. You know— jump up out the bed and turn my swag on.

Before I get out of bed I open Facebook and scroll right on down my memory timeline. This photo is revealed.

It’s them. It’s my parents. The Big Dog and Lil’ Debbie. The reasons that my heartbeat. The angels that are helping me on this side of the mountain. Then I am suddenly flushed with emotion. There’s no doubt that having them here in the flesh is my hearts desire. My eyes are sweating and a rush of memories cloud my mind.

I’ve been smiling since Friday afternoon, talking to Him, talking to Them. I’ve been around people that feel like sunshine. I should’ve know this emotion was coming because I’ve been showing up but wanting to be alone at the same time. Not to mention my niece-daughter, Amalia, is attached to my hip.

I know that my emotion comes from a place of unconditional love and a place that God filled with love but left a space for me to always remember them. Since that 10 month period where my heart was yanked out of my chest, I’ve come so far. Whole, with this exception. I’ve overcome anxiety, depression, reckless abandon, failed relationships, drifting friendships, work obstacles, near misses, life changes, loneliness, health scares, behavioral and mental health challenges.

Just moments before the ugly cry, I was smiling and was going to make a Facebook post that said “My face and heart have been smiling for the last few days!” Then I saw the photo, I saw my parents, James and Deborah Williams. In that moment, the Holy Spirit whispered to me, “I needed them more. I’m using them to guide and elevate you.”

… now I need a hug because He needed them more.

I almost kept this post tucked in my heart, HOWEVER there is someone that needs to know:

  • It is OK to grieve for as long as you need. When you feel the moment, give in.
  • Nobody has the right to tell you when, where, what, how and why to grieve.
  • Through the pain you have to find the silver lining.
  • You have to know the Lord will indeed give you Beauty for Ashes.
  • Everything takes time.
  • Let people love you.
  • There is a blessing in the breakdown and the breakthrough.

A Little Sisters ImpaCT

You love them and have no idea where your life would be without them, right? They are such supportive, feisty young creatures that are attached to you like hang nails. They get on your last nerve, annoy you, but HERE ME when I say, ” Little sisters are the apples of their mothers eyes !”

No, really. I have a few little sisters that are amazing. I am blessed to have them. If you really want to know what the world thinks of you, get a little sister. They will tell you the honest truth about your sense of style, your hair, breath, career choices and who you are dating.

I can’t tell you the day or the time that Christin CT Taylor and I met or how we started these daily conversations. What I can tell you, is that this sweet little lady has infected me with such love and tenderness that I can’t stand myself 😊☺️. At my worst she has loved me and supported me. At my best she is one of my biggest supporters. Not a half day goes by without a text or phone call or those FaceTime’s where she screams, “Why am I on pause, I can’t see your face!”

 

I used to wonder how or why she chose me? Why she wanted to be my little sister? Why did she trust me so much to help lead, guide and mold her over 11 years go? I don’t wonder anymore, I just count myself blessed. Christin is one of the main reasons I wrote ⚠️Pay Attention⚠️. She is one of the main reasons that this Blog is up and running. She invested in my vision. Her impaCT shows in the lives of all of those around her.

During one of our conversations I shared with her some of my fears. As soon as we hung up the phone, she sent me this.

What I Know: There’s a blessing in being chosen as a friend/sister and that “No New Friends!” is only a song. Not a lifestyle. We just need to be vigilant and use discernment when developing new relationships.

What I Want You To Know: Allowing someone to love and support you, to be your friend, your little sister, will BLESS you beyond measure. God places people on your life’s journey for you to share your victories and defeats. Pay attention to those people, they are the ones that show you, YOU ARE NEVER ALONE.

P.S. CT, I love you👯‍♀️💕💞

Surviving May

May 16, 2013, is a day I will never forget. Family and close friends gathered to share my moms last moments. Three of my best friends (Princess, Frenae and LeAnne) took turns with me at the hospital that day. We’d moved in Lil Debbie’s room and closed out the night watching the season finale of Scandal.

Deborah Eileen Williams was as loving, kind, caring, beautiful, intelligent and silly as women come. A true nurturer and the reason that my heart actually beats. My daddy always called her bull-headed, so I knew as long as I stayed in that hospital room with her, that she’d keep fighting to stay alive. There was no way she going to transition with me around. Scandal wrapped, we packed up our dinner and I kissed my mommy on the cheek. With a shaky voice I whispered in her ear and told her that I understood. That I loved her more than life, but after all she was a bird and I had to let her fly. No sooner than I made it home that night, my daddy called and said, ” You must’ve just made it home, she’s gone.” With the finality of that statement we wished each other goodnight.

 

I have always acknowledged the broken-heartedness of losing my mother and my struggle since her passing. Celebrations and holidays heighten my sensitivity to her absence in the flesh. It wasn’t until this past Sunday (May 13th) that I realized how intently I have to press into another dimension of myself to acknowledge my Grandmother, Sisters, Nieces, Cousins, Friends and Bonus Moms on Mother’s Day. These women that surround me are my Shero’s and deserve to be celebrated. I felt so selfish closing myself off and not even wishing them a Happy Mother’s Day. Thanking them for all that they are to their children and families and those around them, but also to me as the wind beneath my wings. I cried as I sent each message knowing that some people don’t send or receive these greetings.

Full Transparency: May 1st-23rd is when I’d like to hibernate. I want my introvertedness to be acknowledged and respected. I just want to chill in my element with thoughts of such a wonderful lady and imagine she and I are sipping iced tea, sitting on a swing snuggled up talking about any and everything our hearts desire. What really happens is that My Guardian Angel Debbie sends people to sit with me or force me to participate in activities and I am never alone 🙂

Lesson Learned: It’s on this morning that the Holy Spirit showed me why God is no respecter of time. These past 5 years have flown by in other areas of my life, but it seems like an eternity that I’ve been without my mommy.

Nugget of Advice: While I do not speak for all motherless children, some of us want you to know that it’s OK to just let us be. It’s OK to be a silent presence and send up a silent prayer. We don’t need you to fix us or be religious. That’s how we end up throwing the whole friend away!

Be human. Be normal. Be a presence. Be love. Most of all, Be you.

… Missing my best girl, but I know she is with me!