My outlook has been adjusted over the past 5+ years. I’ve lost a lot. I’ve gained a lot. I’ve grown a lot. I’ve experienced a myriad of… Read more “I Never Measured Up”
Letting go of people no matter who they are in your life is hard. It hurts. The desire to nurture, build and repair relationships is inherent in my life and letting go often feels like failure to succeed. I despise conflict however, my walk away game has grown stronger.
One day, my friend Sharnessa asked me if I wanted to sit down and talk to a person that betrayed me (reference previous post, “The Other B Words”). My answer was definitely not now, maybe later or maybe this discussion will be had the next time they need something from me. I am James Wallace Williams’ daughter which means there is a hole in my filter, so you get whatever whatever! I digress.
My heart is huge. I’m emotionally invested in everything and I take so many things to heart. Heart being the key here. I start out loving everyone unconditionally. It’s the other persons actions or lack thereof that add the conditions. So, if I let you go, it could have been me, BUT it was also you. I have allowed so many people to take space in my life that were not deserving of such space. At this point in my life, I am only fighting for what I know belongs in my life.
There is a level of naivety that leads me to believe that everyone is a good person, has good intentions or loves like me. I wholeartedly believe that when I make friends, they are forever friends. Again, I invest deeply in relationships, so I think they should last forever. What realistically happened was, I got baptised by fire on the saying, ” Reason, Season or Lifetime.” That baptism taught me that, “Forever, is not always!” You have to use a level of discernment that your feelings or heart is not able to filter. Relationships can’t just feel good, they have to look, sound and smell good as well. Don’t let your mind play tricks on you and turn reasons into seasons or seasons into lifetimes.
If you find your self in a position where your mind is questioning a persons place in your life, take a step back. Recall the reason they entered your life. Was there closure on that reason? What season where you in? Was the season dark or light? Sowing or Harvest Season? In the relationship, have you noticed something different about them? Do they act weird when good things happen to you? Do they revel in your pain? Are they jealous of other relationships you have in your life? I ask myself these questions and probabaly millions more about people I am relationship with. This is how I came to learn that “Forever, is not always!”
I’ve know for sometime now that I don’t fit in and that’s OK with me. I’ve been in groups of friends and felt like an outsider. I’m adaptable and transparent. I “Show Up” (see previous blog post) because I gain so much from being present in different atmospheres.
Not fitting in is a blessing. I can’t get comfortable or overly involved in ‘one thing’ thus being distracted and not working towards my God given purpose. My best friends know that I don’t fit in and the beauty of these ladies warm my heart. They encourage me to be present while reminding me that I’m on assignment.
I’ve come full circle with trying to be everything to my friends/associates and now, I’m everything to me. For me, the beauty of not fitting is knowing that it is OK. Your uniqueness, individuality and talents should transcend philosophical, social and economic statuses.