I Should Have Stopped At The Oil Change

One November Day in 2006, I stopped at the neighborhood Oil Lube place to get an oil change in my 2005 Chrysler PT Cruiser. The Pit Guy comes up and starts explaining to me that I could invest in less expensive oil. I thanked him and asked how I could repay him? He told me I could buy him lunch. When I returned with his lunch, he asked for my number.

He courted me for 5 months, we moved in together and got engaged in March 2007. We got married in July 2007. We got divorced in March 2014.

“I Should Have Stopped At The Oil Change!”

Sometimes we marry because it’s our hearts desire but not God’s desired person or time for us. We are hard headed. We want what we want, when we want it.

I fell in love with potential, married it, and tried to develop it. The thought of having a husband was so exciting to me. I changed my last name. I tried to turn houses into homes. I took his dreams and made them into realities.

Then one day I woke up, looked at him and thought this is so lonely. There must have been someone praying for me to find wholeness in my life. If you are reading this, THANK YOU. See, my ex-husband was a great guy, just not the right guy for me. We were total opposites. I was a social butterfly and he was 100% introverted. I needed family gatherings and girls dates, he didn’t want to be bothered with family gatherings and had no friends. I tried to contain my zest for life to fit our relationship and it physically made me ill.

There were signs after we got engaged and I ignored them all! Being with the wrong one will have your insecurities weighing you down. You will feel like you are asking for to much and nothing you do will ever be enough or right. He talked about my weight, compared me to others, and the list goes on.

I lost weight, I tried new things but there was always something. Do you have any idea what it’s like to cry because you don’t think you’re good enough for a person that’s supposed to love you unconditionally? I mean I was a rock star at work. I have great friends and family, but in my marriage, I wasn’t enough!

So, back to that day that “I WOKE UP” and realized I’d never be enough… I got out! It didn’t happen overnight, it was a process, but you have to “Let Your Heartbreak 💔!” (see previous post)

Self preservation. Self esteem. Self care. Self love. It’s what you know in your heart to be right, just and true! I pray that if you are in a situation similar that the Lord grants you the power and strength to let it go and build better for yourself.

God Needed Them More

This morning, like most, I woke up and intentionally spent time with God. I love these mornings because He speaks and I listen. He gives me direction and strategy. I’m content in His presence and ready to start my day. You know— jump up out the bed and turn my swag on.

Before I get out of bed I open Facebook and scroll right on down my memory timeline. This photo is revealed.

It’s them. It’s my parents. The Big Dog and Lil’ Debbie. The reasons that my heartbeat. The angels that are helping me on this side of the mountain. Then I am suddenly flushed with emotion. There’s no doubt that having them here in the flesh is my hearts desire. My eyes are sweating and a rush of memories cloud my mind.

I’ve been smiling since Friday afternoon, talking to Him, talking to Them. I’ve been around people that feel like sunshine. I should’ve know this emotion was coming because I’ve been showing up but wanting to be alone at the same time. Not to mention my niece-daughter, Amalia, is attached to my hip.

I know that my emotion comes from a place of unconditional love and a place that God filled with love but left a space for me to always remember them. Since that 10 month period where my heart was yanked out of my chest, I’ve come so far. Whole, with this exception. I’ve overcome anxiety, depression, reckless abandon, failed relationships, drifting friendships, work obstacles, near misses, life changes, loneliness, health scares, behavioral and mental health challenges.

Just moments before the ugly cry, I was smiling and was going to make a Facebook post that said “My face and heart have been smiling for the last few days!” Then I saw the photo, I saw my parents, James and Deborah Williams. In that moment, the Holy Spirit whispered to me, “I needed them more. I’m using them to guide and elevate you.”

… now I need a hug because He needed them more.

I almost kept this post tucked in my heart, HOWEVER there is someone that needs to know:

  • It is OK to grieve for as long as you need. When you feel the moment, give in.
  • Nobody has the right to tell you when, where, what, how and why to grieve.
  • Through the pain you have to find the silver lining.
  • You have to know the Lord will indeed give you Beauty for Ashes.
  • Everything takes time.
  • Let people love you.
  • There is a blessing in the breakdown and the breakthrough.

Surviving May

May 16, 2013, is a day I will never forget. Family and close friends gathered to share my moms last moments. Three of my best friends (Princess, Frenae and LeAnne) took turns with me at the hospital that day. We’d moved in Lil Debbie’s room and closed out the night watching the season finale of Scandal.

Deborah Eileen Williams was as loving, kind, caring, beautiful, intelligent and silly as women come. A true nurturer and the reason that my heart actually beats. My daddy always called her bull-headed, so I knew as long as I stayed in that hospital room with her, that she’d keep fighting to stay alive. There was no way she going to transition with me around. Scandal wrapped, we packed up our dinner and I kissed my mommy on the cheek. With a shaky voice I whispered in her ear and told her that I understood. That I loved her more than life, but after all she was a bird and I had to let her fly. No sooner than I made it home that night, my daddy called and said, ” You must’ve just made it home, she’s gone.” With the finality of that statement we wished each other goodnight.

 

I have always acknowledged the broken-heartedness of losing my mother and my struggle since her passing. Celebrations and holidays heighten my sensitivity to her absence in the flesh. It wasn’t until this past Sunday (May 13th) that I realized how intently I have to press into another dimension of myself to acknowledge my Grandmother, Sisters, Nieces, Cousins, Friends and Bonus Moms on Mother’s Day. These women that surround me are my Shero’s and deserve to be celebrated. I felt so selfish closing myself off and not even wishing them a Happy Mother’s Day. Thanking them for all that they are to their children and families and those around them, but also to me as the wind beneath my wings. I cried as I sent each message knowing that some people don’t send or receive these greetings.

Full Transparency: May 1st-23rd is when I’d like to hibernate. I want my introvertedness to be acknowledged and respected. I just want to chill in my element with thoughts of such a wonderful lady and imagine she and I are sipping iced tea, sitting on a swing snuggled up talking about any and everything our hearts desire. What really happens is that My Guardian Angel Debbie sends people to sit with me or force me to participate in activities and I am never alone 🙂

Lesson Learned: It’s on this morning that the Holy Spirit showed me why God is no respecter of time. These past 5 years have flown by in other areas of my life, but it seems like an eternity that I’ve been without my mommy.

Nugget of Advice: While I do not speak for all motherless children, some of us want you to know that it’s OK to just let us be. It’s OK to be a silent presence and send up a silent prayer. We don’t need you to fix us or be religious. That’s how we end up throwing the whole friend away!

Be human. Be normal. Be a presence. Be love. Most of all, Be you.

… Missing my best girl, but I know she is with me!