It was the perfect storm. Everything at work was going well, yet my personal life was a tsunami. Grief and heartbreak were playing ring-around-Layla. In March of… Read more “Perfect Storm”
My childhood sister-friend, Kendra always says, “Love Is.” Every time I read or write it my mind wanders. Action, love IS action.
I choose love every-time. I love love. I love the feeling of love. I love its mystery. I love being able to watch others discover love. I love watching others feel love. I love pouring my love into others.
In my mind, when I see others hurt as a result love (or loving), I silently rejoice because I know that it’s just a test. A test of endurance and strength. I know there’s a lesson in it and better is on the other side.
Love changes lives. Love heals. Love hurts. Love teaches. Love punishes. Love grows. Love stunts. Love stuns. Love begs. Love Is. Love Is not.
You learn so much about yourself when love is involved. Your potential knows no bounds. Nothing can stop you. Dreams are born and become masterful. You learn who you are and who you are not.
Love isn’t just centered in romantic relationships. It’s culminated in friendships, sister and brotherhoods, family ties, volunteering, shopping, work… and the list goes on.
Love is when a coworker gives you their homemade chicken noodle soup because your aren’t feeling well, and they go and buy a lunch for themself. It’s when your best friend is more excited for your birthday than you are. Or when the person you are in relationship with creates an environment for you to rest and be catered to. It’s when someone sacrifices their comfort or convenience to accommodate your needs.
Love provides joy, peace, serenity, lessons, growth, uncomfortableness, teachable moments… but, Love NEVER Fails.
One November Day in 2006, I stopped at the neighborhood Oil Lube place to get an oil change in my 2005 Chrysler PT Cruiser. The Pit Guy comes up and starts explaining to me that I could invest in less expensive oil. I thanked him and asked how I could repay him? He told me I could buy him lunch. When I returned with his lunch, he asked for my number.
He courted me for 5 months, we moved in together and got engaged in March 2007. We got married in July 2007. We got divorced in March 2014.
“I Should Have Stopped At The Oil Change!”
Sometimes we marry because it’s our hearts desire but not God’s desired person or time for us. We are hard headed. We want what we want, when we want it.
I fell in love with potential, married it, and tried to develop it. The thought of having a husband was so exciting to me. I changed my last name. I tried to turn houses into homes. I took his dreams and made them into realities.
Then one day I woke up, looked at him and thought this is so lonely. There must have been someone praying for me to find wholeness in my life. If you are reading this, THANK YOU. See, my ex-husband was a great guy, just not the right guy for me. We were total opposites. I was a social butterfly and he was 100% introverted. I needed family gatherings and girls dates, he didn’t want to be bothered with family gatherings and had no friends. I tried to contain my zest for life to fit our relationship and it physically made me ill.
There were signs after we got engaged and I ignored them all! Being with the wrong one will have your insecurities weighing you down. You will feel like you are asking for to much and nothing you do will ever be enough or right. He talked about my weight, compared me to others, and the list goes on.
I lost weight, I tried new things but there was always something. Do you have any idea what it’s like to cry because you don’t think you’re good enough for a person that’s supposed to love you unconditionally? I mean I was a rock star at work. I have great friends and family, but in my marriage, I wasn’t enough!
So, back to that day that “I WOKE UP” and realized I’d never be enough… I got out! It didn’t happen overnight, it was a process, but you have to “Let Your Heartbreak 💔!” (see previous post)
Self preservation. Self esteem. Self care. Self love. It’s what you know in your heart to be right, just and true! I pray that if you are in a situation similar that the Lord grants you the power and strength to let it go and build better for yourself.
As I sat talking to my therapist, J.L., he told me to give in to the emotions. To feel them, acknowledge them but don’t stay in that place. It took some time, but alone in my home… I got down on my knees and told the Lord that I’d had enough. That I was taking regret, grief, loss, betrayal, mischief and abandonment and giving it all to HIM. I turned on Tasha Cobbs Leonard, Gracefully Broken and Forever At Your Feet and . . . I let my heart break.
Each day thereafter brought new challenges, feelings, and emotions. I vowed to stand strong and fight for my healing. I didn’t put a piece back in place until It healed.
I had to do the work! I had to learn to say “No” to things that no longer served me and that “No” is a complete sentence. I had to pay attention to those around me that loved me and believed in me, God was using them to help mend me. Most importantly the Lord used our quiet time and my tears to water seeds of wholeness, strength, love and purpose that He needed to bring out of me.
Trust me. Trust yourself. Trust the Lord. Let Your Heart Break. I promise it’s the best thing I’ve ever done and I love who I’ve become.
… my hearts desire, my soulmate, my purpose, was present in my life all this time but I mislabeled the package?
I know for a fact that I’ve mislabeled packages. I made men that were supposed to be acquaintances into boyfriends. I thought that seasonal friendships would last lifetimes. I thought jobs were careers. I thought houses were homes.
I thought… I thought… I thought…
Have you ever been in a store looking for a shirt in your size by sliding the hangers on the rack that have the size tags on them? Only to realize that you went through that rack and the Large shirt was on a Small hanger.
I hope you get the idea now.
Something in the past two weeks happened, “I heard the words with my ears, but I listened with my heart.” I was clear that I mislabeled a package. I started to beat myself up and wonder, “What if?”
Bottom Line is … packages get mislabeled. When you realize it, try to correct it.
Shoot Your Shot.
I am a firm believer in what’s meant for you will always find you… even if it sucker punches you.