Love Is

My childhood sister-friend, Kendra always says, “Love Is.” Every time I read or write it my mind wanders. Action, love IS action.

I choose love every-time. I love love. I love the feeling of love. I love its mystery. I love being able to watch others discover love. I love watching others feel love. I love pouring my love into others.

In my mind, when I see others hurt as a result love (or loving), I silently rejoice because I know that it’s just a test. A test of endurance and strength. I know there’s a lesson in it and better is on the other side.

Love changes lives. Love heals. Love hurts. Love teaches. Love punishes. Love grows. Love stunts. Love stuns. Love begs. Love Is. Love Is not.

You learn so much about yourself when love is involved. Your potential knows no bounds. Nothing can stop you. Dreams are born and become masterful. You learn who you are and who you are not.

Love isn’t just centered in romantic relationships. It’s culminated in friendships, sister and brotherhoods, family ties, volunteering, shopping, work… and the list goes on.

Love is when a coworker gives you their homemade chicken noodle soup because your aren’t feeling well, and they go and buy a lunch for themself. It’s when your best friend is more excited for your birthday than you are. Or when the person you are in relationship with creates an environment for you to rest and be catered to. It’s when someone sacrifices their comfort or convenience to accommodate your needs.

Love provides joy, peace, serenity, lessons, growth, uncomfortableness, teachable moments… but, Love NEVER Fails.

I Should Have Stopped At The Oil Change

One November Day in 2006, I stopped at the neighborhood Oil Lube place to get an oil change in my 2005 Chrysler PT Cruiser. The Pit Guy comes up and starts explaining to me that I could invest in less expensive oil. I thanked him and asked how I could repay him? He told me I could buy him lunch. When I returned with his lunch, he asked for my number.

He courted me for 5 months, we moved in together and got engaged in March 2007. We got married in July 2007. We got divorced in March 2014.

“I Should Have Stopped At The Oil Change!”

Sometimes we marry because it’s our hearts desire but not God’s desired person or time for us. We are hard headed. We want what we want, when we want it.

I fell in love with potential, married it, and tried to develop it. The thought of having a husband was so exciting to me. I changed my last name. I tried to turn houses into homes. I took his dreams and made them into realities.

Then one day I woke up, looked at him and thought this is so lonely. There must have been someone praying for me to find wholeness in my life. If you are reading this, THANK YOU. See, my ex-husband was a great guy, just not the right guy for me. We were total opposites. I was a social butterfly and he was 100% introverted. I needed family gatherings and girls dates, he didn’t want to be bothered with family gatherings and had no friends. I tried to contain my zest for life to fit our relationship and it physically made me ill.

There were signs after we got engaged and I ignored them all! Being with the wrong one will have your insecurities weighing you down. You will feel like you are asking for to much and nothing you do will ever be enough or right. He talked about my weight, compared me to others, and the list goes on.

I lost weight, I tried new things but there was always something. Do you have any idea what it’s like to cry because you don’t think you’re good enough for a person that’s supposed to love you unconditionally? I mean I was a rock star at work. I have great friends and family, but in my marriage, I wasn’t enough!

So, back to that day that “I WOKE UP” and realized I’d never be enough… I got out! It didn’t happen overnight, it was a process, but you have to “Let Your Heartbreak đź’”!” (see previous post)

Self preservation. Self esteem. Self care. Self love. It’s what you know in your heart to be right, just and true! I pray that if you are in a situation similar that the Lord grants you the power and strength to let it go and build better for yourself.

Be The Bigger Person

I never took into account the amount of effort that it takes to be the bigger person. You really have to step outside of yourself! These past few months, someone that didn’t exactly do right by me has leaned on me to help them process life’s events similar to ones I’m on the other side of.

While I am emotional, sensitive, empathetic and nurturing, I am human and hold pain, regret and grudges. The nurturer in me wants to do everything in my power to make things right and help, but I struggle at times and find myself judging those that wronged me, wanting them to feel pain or hurt. If the person ‘in need’ hasn’t always been truthful with me and has a tainted reputation, my first reaction is ‘screw them!’ I find myself reverting back to what I know about their past behavior and producing my past reactions which amount to “Ain’t NOBODY got time for this!”

Matter of fact, I have helped them before but I am now struggling with the reciprocity. Why is it that I’m always giving and they are just taking? As I am writing this, in the exact moment after that last sentence the Holy Spirit spoke to me and told me, ” That when you do for others, don’t expect anything from them. Know that your blessings will come from me.” That’s HUGE and I am doing my best not to cry. While I know that my grief journey and transitioning to my new normal is to help others make it through, sometimes I want to be selfish. I want to protect my feelings and heart from being used or disappointed. However, I know that by sharing how I made it over, it symbolizes the hope that others will find to help with their navigation of this new process.

Be supportive to a person that places you on the shelf like a priceless novel and only takes you down when they need a word. Be selfless! Be great! Be a blessing! Be humble!

“Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.”

‭‭Philippians‬ ‭2:3-4‬ ‭NIV‬‬

Path Pavers

My path has many pavers:

  • How to build your faith
  • How to start from the bottom
  • How to handle heartbreak and broken trust
  • How to grieve tough losses
  • How to love like Jesus
  • How to lead
  • How to keep your smile and find joy
  • How to be a humble servant
  • How to know your role
  • How to press into the presence of God
  • How to listen
  • How to be patient and wait
  • There are more and they will manifest through this blog.
  • People watch you on your path and when similar obstacles arise in their lives, they ask questions and for advice. Share you experiences and remind them that things do differ by individual. I’m focused on the ups and fighting through the downs. I know grief and loss. I can talk to you about embracing it and healing from it. I know joy and peace. I can talk to you about centering in it.
  • Bottom line: your path is a testimony or example for others. Someone, somewhere is waiting on you to share your story so they can have a breakthrough or get confirmation that they path they are on is right. Use your pavers to teach someone else how to build a path!

God Needed Them More

This morning, like most, I woke up and intentionally spent time with God. I love these mornings because He speaks and I listen. He gives me direction and strategy. I’m content in His presence and ready to start my day. You know— jump up out the bed and turn my swag on.

Before I get out of bed I open Facebook and scroll right on down my memory timeline. This photo is revealed.

It’s them. It’s my parents. The Big Dog and Lil’ Debbie. The reasons that my heartbeat. The angels that are helping me on this side of the mountain. Then I am suddenly flushed with emotion. There’s no doubt that having them here in the flesh is my hearts desire. My eyes are sweating and a rush of memories cloud my mind.

I’ve been smiling since Friday afternoon, talking to Him, talking to Them. I’ve been around people that feel like sunshine. I should’ve know this emotion was coming because I’ve been showing up but wanting to be alone at the same time. Not to mention my niece-daughter, Amalia, is attached to my hip.

I know that my emotion comes from a place of unconditional love and a place that God filled with love but left a space for me to always remember them. Since that 10 month period where my heart was yanked out of my chest, I’ve come so far. Whole, with this exception. I’ve overcome anxiety, depression, reckless abandon, failed relationships, drifting friendships, work obstacles, near misses, life changes, loneliness, health scares, behavioral and mental health challenges.

Just moments before the ugly cry, I was smiling and was going to make a Facebook post that said “My face and heart have been smiling for the last few days!” Then I saw the photo, I saw my parents, James and Deborah Williams. In that moment, the Holy Spirit whispered to me, “I needed them more. I’m using them to guide and elevate you.”

… now I need a hug because He needed them more.

I almost kept this post tucked in my heart, HOWEVER there is someone that needs to know:

  • It is OK to grieve for as long as you need. When you feel the moment, give in.
  • Nobody has the right to tell you when, where, what, how and why to grieve.
  • Through the pain you have to find the silver lining.
  • You have to know the Lord will indeed give you Beauty for Ashes.
  • Everything takes time.
  • Let people love you.
  • There is a blessing in the breakdown and the breakthrough.