Not Yet, You Are Hidden

The last post that I wrote was, “Not Yet!” Immediately, I felt like there was so much more to write about that I told my niece, Brandi Boo, I was going to write a Part 2. Well, here it goes.

I cannot explain to anyone how I feel right now or what’s going on. What I know is that I keep crying. Everything makes me cry. I am sensitive, just a ball of emotions. Like all over the place.

To be a clear, I am ready! Or, at least I think I am. Ready for what? I am so glad you asked. Ready to thrive! But, I’m hidden and I know it. Being hidden has so much to do with building your faithfulness and consistency. It is also about helping you hone your skills and develop a confidence in your delivery.

I am a firm believer that there’s an undeniable breakdown before an undeniable breakthrough. Here’s a conversation between me & Boo.

First, let me say this. You can learn from anyone. I am at least 15 years older than her and she dropped these nuggets of knowledge and wisdom on me.

Second, Brandi Boo reminded me that no matter what it FEELS like, God is right here with me in the valley while He is preparing a place for me.

Third, how encouraging and truthful. Don’t fall into a comparison trap. None of us have the same destiny. While things may be similar, they won’t be the same.

Fourth, It’s my reminder that your gift will make room for you.

The advantage that I have over anyone else, is that I am ME!

Here’s where I am going with this post. If you are in a holding pattern, ask yourself what else is there for you to learn, grow or perfect? Are you being faithful in the place you are in? Are you showing up on time? Are you doing your work and not expecting anyone else to do it for you. You may be sharing your gift with 5 or 500 people, but are you consistent and dependable? What is your reputation? What do the reports about you say? Search yourself and see what you can do to become better in your personal arena.

Transparency moment as I measure Me against Me: I need to work on consistency. I have a great gift to share. The reports and my reputation are favorable. I have a list of things that will grow me and I need to make time to invest in them, in me. Do the work so that when the Lord makes it happen, I won’t be trying to find my way, I’ll already be on the path. The breakthrough is just around the corner, but for now, I’m hidden!

#SDG

Puppet Master

In my 37th year of life I have learned that God is am amazing puppet master. As I sit here and start to write this post, I envision all areas of my life being held up by these thin translucent strings moving according to my obedience or lack thereof. I am imaginging that the elasticity of the strings depends on my willingness to move the way God has designed. Sometimes the masters handles tilt and my limbs movements are a result of my yielding, hesitation or me placing more weight on a particular area. Other times, the strings are weighed down so heavy by my bad decisions or indecision that they lose their elasticity or snap all together. In those cases, God, the ultimate puppet master has to come down and lovingly reattach me where I am broken.

“He is watching you from above, waiting for you to learn the lesson.”

Do you ever notice how situations in your life repeat themselves? Every time the lesson has to be repeated, it gets worse, more intense and hurts more. I have had that happen to me a few times in recent years and I swear that I know take lessons over pain. There is nothing worse to me than a bought lesson. I have made my life so much easier by learning the lesson on the first go round. When I look at the pretty fire in the house window, it’s a wrap. I am not going to touch any door knobs to see if they are hot.

“He’s preparing & strengthening you for what you have prayed for.”

Do you know how often we pray for things and then BOOM💥, at test/trial comes our way and we fold. We cry, ‘why me?’ Or think God is mad at us. When the truth is, we asked for more, increase, elevation. No matter how many times I’ve tried to fast track my dreams, I always get hit with the ‘hurry up and wait’! I have always desired a leadership role, but I shy away from conflict and conflict resolution. I am super sensitive and take all constructive criticism personally. That was until the Lord started giving me the desires of my heart, showing me the end game, but making me journey through the wilderness to get the prize. Guess what’s in my wilderness? A lot of conflict resolution. I can’t quit the blog, so when the feedback is less than positive or discouraging to me, I have to keep going. In my friendships I’ve been an understudy and when the wonderful humans in my life ‘read me’, I deal and make adjustments. In my fairytale relationship, I live real life where we talk though our differences instead of me trying to take flight.

“Learn the lesson, sit in silence, and give Him back His power.”

When you surrender and submit to God, He sets up a hedge of protection around you so that you succeed. I am currently in this stage of life! I am out here winning. I gave God my yes and He is opening doors and making ways. I learn to regroup and listen to the silence in which I find solace and direction. I repent and surrender daily. He has an amazing path laid out for me. There are people and things throughout this maze of life that push me back on the right track almost immediately, when I go astray.

Basically, I have learned that no matter how my limbs disobeyed or strayed away from those translucent strings that want to move me according to His will, once I surrendered, I always ended up exactly where He meant for me to be. Now, I let the fight to go against His will leave me, because I have no more time to waste!

Will you yield to God, the ultimate puppet master?

 

Couch Beach

There is a stigma around counseling, psychologist and psychiatrists. People are ashamed to take care of their mental and behavorial health. I have heard people say that they don’t need anyone. My Truth understands that we were not created to do life alone.

Take a figurative journey with me as I interpret a suitable helper to be a person (friend, family member, coworker, acquaintance or professional).

Once a month, I visit Couch Beach! That is, I relax on a couch in my therapist, Jesse’s office and let all of my cares float through the air, releasing all stress and strain. I mean, on a beach, that’s what I’d do. I would venture into the water and then lay around to recharge, relax and get grounded. When I leave Jesse’s office, I feel like I have left the beach.

I have had a therapist since 2012. I think it’s important to vet your therapist, my first one was not a good match for me. Luckily for me, the second one was the charm. I often say to others, “Get you a Jesse!”

As a strong woman. As the go to person in my family. As the fixer and backbone in many situations, I needed to talk to someone that I could be 100% vulnerable with. I have the very best of friends, yet I was so ashamed to let them know that I did not have it all together.

When I decided that I no longer wanted to be married in 2012, I called and made a behavorial health appointment. Sitting in the waiting room, I was terrified and nervous. I thought people in the waiting room were judging me, thinking I had issues. Then I realized, we were all in the same waiting room!

Therapy took me through 1st divorce filing, extensive work traveling, mom passing, changing jobs, 2nd divorce filing and actual divorce, dad passing and now we are in survival of the fittest. Depending on where I am in life, I see Jesse once a week or once a month. I’ll never forget the time that I showed up a week early for an appointment, but as luck would have it, someone cancelled and he was free to see me. I’ve even called for emergency appointments and phone consultations. You see, when you get hit with social anxiety and abandonment issues, somebody has to remind you of the goodness that you are. I even go to my sessions for maintenance when I think nothing is wrong.

Don’t mistake any of this for me not having Jesus on the main line. I pray and cry. I praise and worship. I study and practice kingdom living. I have a friend that is a catholic priest. I have direct lines to evangelists and prohphets. I am in an Elizabeth and Mary friendship. Trust me on this, there is room in our lives for therapists. Human connection helps clear our minds, overcome depression, and strategize conflict resolution. Jesus knows about my therapist and my therapist knows about my God.

This amazing combination is the reason I am where I am today. I can tell when I am in my 4th week before therapy because things tend to get heavy. I walk in to the behavorial health clinic with the world on my shoulders and walk out of the office like a lioness that just walked out of the prayer closet. Let me reiterate, there are times that I go to therapy thinking nothing is wrong and that the visit is just a check in, but soon realize that I have been suppressing something and get delivered. If you are thinking you need a nonbiased person to talk to, just make the appointment.

What are your thoughts on recieving behavorial and mental health?

What would hinder you from seeking a psychologist/psychiatrists?

What benefits have you seen by engaging with a trained behavorial or mental health professional?

 I have joy, peace and happiness. In all instances I am my unfiltered, unaltered self. I am free to be me. It’s how I am free to write this blog that shares my experiences. Transparency is neccessary. I was given this mountain to show others that it can be moved. Why let life weigh you down when you can carve out some time and head to Couch Beach?!

 

I Should Have Stopped At The Oil Change

One November Day in 2006, I stopped at the neighborhood Oil Lube place to get an oil change in my 2005 Chrysler PT Cruiser. The Pit Guy comes up and starts explaining to me that I could invest in less expensive oil. I thanked him and asked how I could repay him? He told me I could buy him lunch. When I returned with his lunch, he asked for my number.

He courted me for 5 months, we moved in together and got engaged in March 2007. We got married in July 2007. We got divorced in March 2014.

“I Should Have Stopped At The Oil Change!”

Sometimes we marry because it’s our hearts desire but not God’s desired person or time for us. We are hard headed. We want what we want, when we want it.

I fell in love with potential, married it, and tried to develop it. The thought of having a husband was so exciting to me. I changed my last name. I tried to turn houses into homes. I took his dreams and made them into realities.

Then one day I woke up, looked at him and thought this is so lonely. There must have been someone praying for me to find wholeness in my life. If you are reading this, THANK YOU. See, my ex-husband was a great guy, just not the right guy for me. We were total opposites. I was a social butterfly and he was 100% introverted. I needed family gatherings and girls dates, he didn’t want to be bothered with family gatherings and had no friends. I tried to contain my zest for life to fit our relationship and it physically made me ill.

There were signs after we got engaged and I ignored them all! Being with the wrong one will have your insecurities weighing you down. You will feel like you are asking for to much and nothing you do will ever be enough or right. He talked about my weight, compared me to others, and the list goes on.

I lost weight, I tried new things but there was always something. Do you have any idea what it’s like to cry because you don’t think you’re good enough for a person that’s supposed to love you unconditionally? I mean I was a rock star at work. I have great friends and family, but in my marriage, I wasn’t enough!

So, back to that day that “I WOKE UP” and realized I’d never be enough… I got out! It didn’t happen overnight, it was a process, but you have to “Let Your Heartbreak 💔!” (see previous post)

Self preservation. Self esteem. Self care. Self love. It’s what you know in your heart to be right, just and true! I pray that if you are in a situation similar that the Lord grants you the power and strength to let it go and build better for yourself.

Path Pavers

My path has many pavers:

  • How to build your faith
  • How to start from the bottom
  • How to handle heartbreak and broken trust
  • How to grieve tough losses
  • How to love like Jesus
  • How to lead
  • How to keep your smile and find joy
  • How to be a humble servant
  • How to know your role
  • How to press into the presence of God
  • How to listen
  • How to be patient and wait
  • There are more and they will manifest through this blog.
  • People watch you on your path and when similar obstacles arise in their lives, they ask questions and for advice. Share you experiences and remind them that things do differ by individual. I’m focused on the ups and fighting through the downs. I know grief and loss. I can talk to you about embracing it and healing from it. I know joy and peace. I can talk to you about centering in it.
  • Bottom line: your path is a testimony or example for others. Someone, somewhere is waiting on you to share your story so they can have a breakthrough or get confirmation that they path they are on is right. Use your pavers to teach someone else how to build a path!